I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
