the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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