I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
