I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
