Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
