if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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