Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
