Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
