i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
