He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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