either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
