I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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