i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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