This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Come share oat with me in your robe
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
