I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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