I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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