the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
