Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
