My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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