see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
