Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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