Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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