I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
