I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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