Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
