Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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