Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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