the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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