The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
