i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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