If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
