She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
