some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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