Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
