It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
