I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
