I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
