If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
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i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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