If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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