the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
