The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
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about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
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What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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