there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize