youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
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i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
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That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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