Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
