I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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