why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
