i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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