we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
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we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
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My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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