I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
