I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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