piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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