I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Randomize
