he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
