They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
