Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
