Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
