i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
