miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Randomize
