We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
