I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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