:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
