I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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