how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
