The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
